Lost in my head
by 1918Edwardlover
Summary: Most people won't understand but love can be a battle and trust me when i say this, life definitely doesn't make it easy.
1. Chapter 1

The inner workings of the mind can be a strange thing, one moment you can be the happiest person that thinks nothing can go wrong, and the next life can crash down upon you.

I can't say that life has been that difficult for me, but the fact that so many of my childhood friends don't talk to me anymore does tell you one thing. People don't like different. When you think about it it's simple whenever something can't be explained by simple logic it gets ignored or shunned. That's what happened to me, my mum had always been one of those vain people that only cared about how she looked to the outside world.

It didn't seem to matter that everyone had always been able to see straight through it. I should have been a younger version of her, but liking heavy metal music and have dark hair doesn't fit in with the stereotype.

I would say that school was my escape but the teachers were far more judgemental, always wondering why my parents allowed me to come to school dressed the way i do, and looking so pale. I knew half of them believed that i must some sort of medical disease. I was just me content to sit quietly on the sidelines and be invisible.

That was until the day that my car decided to break down.

The darkness can be all consuming and almost feel like a part of you disappears each time, it can be a struggle but you must hold onto your humanity.

The scary part is when you find safety in someone else, you rely upon them to find your place in the world. With the worry that at any moment it could all disappear, so you hold on in the hope that the dream won't stop. That you truly have found your better half, that life isn't play some sort of sick joke.

For anyone that has ever been in love you know the feeling, the all consuming need to be with your other half. The loss you feel when you aren't with them, like you lost part of yourself. It's an uncontrollable force, something that no mear book nor song can convey. It comes from the small things the tingles when you touch, the feeling when you know they watch your every move. The little kisses to take back your attention, and make plans for the future and knowing that it's possible, that life is finally giving you what you deserve.

People like to think that they can understand your feelings, that they understand but try and keep you apart, by tearing your feelings down, and trying to crush them. True strength is difficult you have to hold on because after a rain storm there's always a rainbow. As cliche as it sounds in every part of darkness there is light as long as you know where to look and i found mine. I should say he found me, he saved me when i was at my lowest and he brought be back.

The funny part his he doesn't realise just how much.


	2. Chapter 2

**BPOV**

Maybe i should start at the beginning and explain how it all came to be, but if i'm honest there was a lot of pain involved to get to where i am.

Best Friends thinking that they know best and boyfriends that were more interested in being with someone else then spending time with me. Most of the time i like blanking it out, it makes life easier just ignore what happened before. Most people would say that it's helped to shape who i am.

I just don't see how, how has it made me strong when i still cry at night thinking about it. Yes i'm not a completely bitter person that lives every day hiding away, but it can be just as bad dealing with the everyday. Putting on a smile that everyone expects, and answering yes i'm fine whenever someone asks if you are ok.

That's what's expected not what i feel.

I think that's the difficult part in life trying to please as many people as you can, but soon realising that it's not possible. I tried for most of my life hoping that i would be the lucky one. That's the problem with luck it never lasts.

I think one of the best examples of this is the fact that i used to hang out with a large group of friends and overtime it slowly got smaller and smaller, i knew that my best friend was acting strangely and when asked said that she was seeing someone. Doing the normal thing that girls do, i wanted to know all the details.

That was my first mistake.

I shouldn't have asked maybe that would have made it easier. Ignorance can be bliss right.

It was too late i had let the cat of the bag.

You could read it on her face, the guilt and she said nothing. She just looked at me.

I could feel the fury growing, wondering how this could possibly have come to be. My own best friend decides it's ok to sleep with my ex boyfriend. Like i don't matter, like what he did to me doesn't matter. I couldn't look at her.

Is it wrong that i still felt like i deserved it, as though i wasn't good enough anyway.

Its funny though ever since my new love came into my life, he doesn't let me feel that way. He doesn't give me the chance to.

It took so long for me to even think of trusting someone else that when Edward came along we just fit and it felt right. I'm not sure if anyone else has felt it but it's the breath you take when you can just relax with someone. Knowing that they understand you on a completely different level to others. That they are your better half.

It's scary over such a short amount of time how much i've come to care for him. He knows things about me, it's almost like he has a book that tells him the signs when i'm sad. He always knows what to say, but the doubts are still there. Will i mess this up, will he walk away. If i'm honest it would break me, but i would let him go.


	3. Chapter 3

**BPOV**

People have started to judge me because i rely on Edward so much. He understands me though, without asking he will pull me close when he knows i am shutting down. He loves me despite my flaws, and yet people try and keep us apart. I think that's the part that i'm struggling with, that despite my best efforts people can't see what i can about him.

The part of him that even he doesn't understand. That he has such a caring heart and that people have used that against him and hurt him.

I'm promised myself that i will make sure that no one can do that again. I'd never really believed in soulmates before, but he is definitely mine. His family had been so welcoming even from the start it just makes sense, it has almost because like there was space for me all along.

That's the problem when things are going well there is always a storm not far behind.

The first time i ever really spoke to edward, we just clicked right from the beginning. It just seemed to bloom from there we would talk every day, and we understood that when conversations went quiet it wasn't a reflection of the other person we were just content. He used to tell me that i saved him, but he's wrong he came along at the time that i needed him most and he put me back together. Not to say that the cracks don't show every so often.

It just became like any other relationship going on dates, watching movies, and laughing. So much laughter, i used to forget what that sounded like being truly happy and carefree.

It's those moments that you have to appreciate what you have because when it comes down to it, you are either meant for that person. Or they are another part to the puzzle that is your life.

I've been lucky so far i get on well with Edward's family, i feel included for once in my life. I can truly be myself.

He makes me stronger every day, building me up peace by piece, whether or not i completely believe him. I see part of myself in him though he blames himself for things that are out of his control, things that he thinks i will leave him for.

The thing is if i'm honest i don't think anything would make me leave. He has become my life raft, he keeps me afloat when i feel like i'm drowning. I used to go to dark places of spending days just hoping that i can make it to the end. He's just so positive that it's contagious. He always sees when the darkness is coming back, and he keeps me safe.

He's my flashlight, keeps the shadows at bay.

I know people say it's cheesey for a couple to have a song that describes them, but ours explains everything i cannot say.

"Never let someone in  
Never got under my skin  
Always running for the door  
When someone needed something more  
And just enough of me

When I'm with you  
I'm not afraid to show it all  
When I'm with you  
I'm not hidding anymore

I let you see inside  
Who I am, under these clothes  
Every scar all of my flaws  
When I'm with you  
I'm naked

Don't cover up, turn up the lights  
I wanna see, all of you tonight  
I'm not holding back  
I can't believe that  
You're finally letting go  
But I've been hurt and burnt before

But when I'm with you  
I'm not afraid to show it all  
When I'm with you  
I'm not hidding anymore

I let you see inside  
Who I am, under these clothes  
Every scar all of my flaws  
When I'm with you  
I'm naked  
I'm naked

You get the best, the worst  
You've seen, all of my heart  
When I'm just standing there laid bare  
Naked

I can be naked

When I'm with you  
I'm not afraid to show it all  
When I'm with you  
I'm not hiding anymore

I let you see inside  
Who I am, under these clothes  
Every scar all of my flaws  
When I'm with you  
I'm naked"

(Naked by the shires)


End file.
